WISH I COULD BE

I don’t remember ever feeling like I could completely be myself other than in my own imagination. Growing up as the rebellious little fella in a small village that went against any rules that made me feel either stuck or those I just didn’t agree with, didn’t gain me the acceptance I was longing for. I know my behavior was just cry for wanting to belong, because of a society that wrongs you for being different. This all resulted in me becoming more and more closeted. It started out with my likes and dislikes. Toys, colors and behavior. Growing up, I was taught that most of my interests were “feminine”, which makes a boy “weak”. It was labeled as negative, and I was wrong. Now, a misconception is that these preferences have to do with whether you are gay or not. I can assure you, they do not. It has everything to do with the way society decided you should be. Both issues are a result of this.

WISH I COULD BE

I don’t remember ever feeling like I could completely be myself other than in my own imagination. Growing up as the rebellious little fella in a small village that went against any rules that made me feel either stuck or those I just didn’t agree with, didn’t gain me the acceptance I was longing for. I know my behavior was just cry for wanting to belong, because of a society that wrongs you for being different. This all resulted in me becoming more and more closeted. It started out with my likes and dislikes. Toys, colors and behavior. Growing up, I was taught that most of my interests were “feminine”, which makes a boy “weak”. It was labeled as negative, and I was wrong. Now, a misconception is that these preferences have to do with whether you are gay or not. I can assure you, they do not. It has everything to do with the way society decided you should be. Both issues are a result of this.

 

A few things come to mind when I think about my first encounters with The Little Mermaid. A McDonalds commercial in Austria, books we had at home, a Disney CD with ‘Part of your world’ and a game called ‘The Little Mermaid: Animated Storybook’, which actually was the closest I had gotten to knowing the story. I never watched or owned the movie as a child, only the second movie, but this game was everything. It made me long for becoming a mermaid myself, sort of the other way around. I wanted to escape reality and be accepted for who I truly was. She fought for what she wanted and got it in the end. Maybe that is why the movie, story and the little mermaid herself, bring me so much comfort. 

 

I have analyzed my life and came to the conclusion that at a later stage in my life, I have always been running from myself, searching for a way to be someone different, so maybe one day I would be accepted. As I grew older, I sought comfort in other things than my imagination. I started looking for acceptance through relationships, but never succeeded. Even after coming out, I still always went for partners that were distant or living abroad. This way I pretty much always stayed in the mermaid fase, longing for the life I wanted.

 

About four years ago I was in a very dark state of mind. After many tragic events, I finally moved to a room in Utrecht where I found an Ariel soap dispenser at a small store in town and immediately decided to buy it. I hadn’t thought about The Little Mermaid in quite a while, but after this purchase it didn’t take long for me to slowly fill the bathroom with more and more stuff. It seemed like I had found my connection with the movie again. Ever since, I haven’t stopped collecting from the second hand stores in the Netherlands.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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